so i didn't get my dream job.

i found out today.

at first, i was really bummed.

i thought about driving and driving until i ended up in wisconsin, and then, i would take the ferry to that island in the middle of the lake, and wait for the northern lights. you can see them from there. but, i dont have any money, and my car was on empty, so...

i came to the apartment and everyone was laughing. i tried to be okay. i tried to put everything behind me:

i hate my current job [forget it!]

i can't erase the "sellout" that's tattooed on my forehead [forget it!!]

i generate documents which help big coorporations make more money [forget it!!!]

my dream job was doing AVP for a queer youth center [forget it!!!!]

Every single amount of faith i had was riding on that job [forget it!!!!!]

but i couldn't forget it.

so, i slammed the door to my room, and cried.

i cried until i couldn't breathe and i wanted to throw up and nothing and no one could make me feel any better.

then i started thinking about god.

i did a rite that's *supposed* to assure you getting the job that you use it on.

whoops. guess the gods weren't paying attention.

guess once again i was being idealistic.

guess once again this "real world" was gonna kick me in the ass just to show it's muscles are larger than mine.

i blamed myself.

i blamed the job for leading me on.

i blamed the gods.

then, i blamed little georgie w.

but, life is tricky. cause as soon as i started to think about how upset i was, i realized how much this job meant to me. and that made me feel better.

this is the first time i've been heart-broken over something besides theatre, which means, this is something i care deeply and passionately about.

which means i've found my calling.

which means, life has a funny way of putting you in the right direction, just when you think it's blown you off course.

you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find

you get what you need.

27 September, 2002 - 17:56

behind - ahead