it's funny. i'm so sick of running away. i so want to settle down with a town, a place, a life...

but without you old habits die hard. with you, they died easy. i knew where i was meant to be, who i was meant to be, and now, now... i find myself reverting back to the lesser person i was before YOU. you who made me free from my past, and now i'm surfing on it's tailwinds.

truth be told, i'm sick of being the asshole. i'm sick of being the person everyone expects me to be. i want to surprise people. i want to be everything i can, so how can i?

i know the strength is within me, it always has been. so where's my fuckin key?

i'm a mystery. most of all to myself. most of all to me.

so when *you* called me mysterious tonight, i knew *you* had no clue as to what *you* were getting in to. i knew with equal certanity that there is no *us* only the idea of such. and though i may hope for a time when *your* graces will fall upon me, i feel more of a pull towards the uncertainty that is locale. cause if i was to stay here for the uncertainty which is *you,* i might as well lose my mind and soul in the possibility. whereas if i was to leave for me, i would only lose my mind. my soul could linger on in the beauty of a chance left to be. a chance for another lifetime. for if there is one thing i am certain of, it's the fact that i will be around one more time. so will *you*, and You.

so forgive me if i ramble. and forgive me if i vent over at&t lines to a cyberspace filled with nothing but the promise that *you* will never read this entry. there is almost an equal certainty that neither will You.

truth be told, i know *you'll* never leave *your* girlfriend for me, just as i would never have left mine for *you*.

i wish i could romaticize the situation and say i love *you*. but, i don't think i know what love is anymore. i don't think i know what i am anymore. i only know a false shadow of a time when i was much more clear and You and *you* were much more translucid.

to light showing through once more.

14 April, 2003 - 02:34

behind - ahead